a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
