I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
