Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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