i wish my penis had a tongue
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
