I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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