Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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