I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm too high and old for this...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
