Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
