this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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