I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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