i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
