I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Vodka?
Forever.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
