anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it was like eating out sand paper
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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