i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
ok first of all what the fuck
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
