so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize