did you get engaged???
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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