yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
