that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
