im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
