Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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