I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
