Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im six kinds of drunk right now
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
