im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
