She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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