She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
