im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
