As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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