I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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