hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
