Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
