I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
