Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
