someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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