What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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