You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize