had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
