Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
