Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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