You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
