I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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