Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
