Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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