Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
