I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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