I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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