Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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