Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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