quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
