Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
