the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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