Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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