can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
