That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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