I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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