I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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