From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize