Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just googled if crying burns calories
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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