I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
