why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
